normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
