Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
