: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
