You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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