her facebook's as public as her vagina
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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