I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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