Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think my vagina is haunted
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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