i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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