My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
