Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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