Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
