the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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