Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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