Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
