i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
