Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
