we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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