Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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