why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
