So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
