Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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