oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
