First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
