I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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