Umm I'm too high to move.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
