apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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