Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
