Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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