My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
