life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
