I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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