NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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