Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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