if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
