my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
