the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm too high and old for this...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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