I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
