I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
