I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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