so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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