Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
