Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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