yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm like, not good at living.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
