before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
