i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
