She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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