who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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