you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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