i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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