if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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