you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
